Tales of the Parodyverse

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Visionary with some weirdness from the archives of the AMB
Wed Dec 28, 2005 at 08:57:12 pm EST
Subject
Who is Lisa Waltz? The surprising answer inside.
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I found this digging around in the archives of the AMB, where one poster asked who this near mythical "Lisa L. Waltz" he kept hearing about really was.

Naturally, being a helpful soul, I answered him as best I could.

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FULL NAME: Lisa L. Waltz

BIRTH PLACE: Martinsburg, Virginia (The infamous "South-side Row", where the tragic events of the '1842 chicken giblet incident', as it was later known to be called, played out to their bitter end.)

BIRTH DATE: May 4, 1844

EDUCATION: Mount Washington Female College of Baltimore, age 12 to 16.
Betty Russel Memorial Beautification Academy of Harrisburg, age 17-18.

FAMILY BACKGROUND: Lisa was from a typical Southern family. Father Ben was a store merchant and grocer, as well as town dentist, barber, tanner and (on one famous occasion) pig-flocker. Several brothers died before the Civil War, and are generally considered to have been expendable... save for beloved 'Wee Willie Waltz', whose death from shingles hit the family especially hard. Lisa's father joined the Virginia Cavalry shortly after her birth (a necessity, as repercussions from the pig-flocking were surely forthcoming had he stayed), and Lisa was left with her sister Mary Jane, age 10, her brother Bill, age 4 (Soon to follow his other brothers due to a bad batch of grits), her mother Eunice and grandmother Lula-Belle Waltz.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS:

1861. Soon after the start of the Civil War, Lisa was organizing 'parties' to visit the troops in efforts to keep morale high. At that time she also shot and killed a Union soldier who had pushed her mother. This having occured in the south, she was acquitted of the crime due to the fact that killing Union soldiers was considered good for the local economy. Shortly thereafter, she became a courier for Generals Beauregarde and Jackson, carrying information, delivering medical supplies (Beauregarde especially relied upon his 'medicine' to quell his frantic facial spasms, which were said to have a disquieting effect on the troops) and confiscating weapons (leading to the tragedy with young Lt. Swift and the exploding bloomers). Lisa made a few heroic rides through battle fields in order to get her "secrets" across the lines to the South. (Her horse, 'Cotton Nellie' was later stuffed, mounted and remains on display to this day in the Virginia Governor's Mansion.)

During the War she was imprisoned three times (the first time being the result of Lt. Swift's severe facial burns). In 1862 she was held in old Carroll Prison in Washington, D.C. for one month, where she is said to have acquired her love for wig-making, a skill that would see her through hard times late in life.

In 1864 she went to England carrying information for the confederates. There she married a Union naval officer. (He would later die under mysterious circumstances, much to the benefit of the local economy.)

She dropped out of site for numerous years, finally turning up as the proprietor of a speak-easy in Detroit during the later days of the prohibition. Her ingenious idea for using trained sled dogs to haul the contraband from Canada across the frozen Lake St. Claire won her the esteem and personal thanks of many in the organized crime community. These connections are often pointed at to explain her ability to remain underground for the next few decades, finally surfacing as the owner of a bridal salon in Wahoo, Nebraska in the late '50's.

Little is known of her later life, save that she remained healthy and vital for an exceptionally long time. Some attribute this to her specialized diet (she was notorious for refusing all sustenance save turkey eggs, goat milk and later Necco wafers), while others pointed to her whispered dealings with the occult, New Age healers and, on at least one documented occasion, the Gnostic Satanists. What is known is that she went on to purchase a significant amount of stock in the Tandy Computer corporation, and was instrumental in the early days of the internet. Her final days were spent moderating messages boards (Alvaro's Avengers Message Board included) and waging her covert viral campaign against America On-line and Kelloggs.com.

PLACE OF DEATH: Kilbourne, Wisconsin where she had gone to address members of the local Freemasons in November of 1999.

Author's Note: While it is true that the July, 2000 court order to exhume her body found a casket filled with 40 muskrat pelts and no corpse, it is highly unlikely that Ms. Waltz did in fact manage to successfully fake her own death. The autopsy records from the previous year, while not complete, certainly lead to the unmistakable conclusion that Ms. Waltz's brain and many other vital organs were removed and weighed, leaving the prospect for her recovery in great doubt. Some have put forth that these records offer clues that the body examined was not that of Lisa L. Waltz at all, but the evidence they submit is shaky at best, and has no place in a reputable biography.


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So there you have it... Of course, the short answer to your question is that she was the beloved former moderator who passed the job onto Finny before she left, but that really doesn't begin to scratch the surface on this fascinating American character. I'm sure you'll agree.

--Visionary, feeling a bit nostalgic.



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